Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A round christmas tree ornament

Here I hang in the back of the Christmas tree and I wonder why the person who hung me even bothered. I don't know what color I am and once I thought I was red or green because of the reflection I seemed to omit, but it turns out those were the colors of the nearby lights alternatively flashing. As far as my shape I'm almost sure I'm a pathetic round ball, nothing more than a filler ornament. I'm not even one of those fancy looking shapely bulbs. No one cares for me and one day I will no longer be hung, replaced by a fading-memory ornament in an ever growing collection of weird , strange, and even meaningful ornaments. It's not like I'm not grateful to be out of the box ,because I am, but I wish I could be hung in a better position, if not more toward the front of the tree then maybe a little higher up; from where I hang now I'm best friends with the water bowl.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Holiday Bownies 2009

Both of the Brownie recipes are basically the same and I'm sure if one were to leave out the extra goodies they would be a mighty fine brownie all by itself.

Cherry and Coconut Brownies
2 cups white sugar
1 cup canola oil (or butter)
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 Eggs
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt (table salt will work)
14 oz Jar Maraschino Cherries halved (reserve the juice for 7up or other cocktails)
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup shredded coconut

Grease 9" x 13" pan
Bake at 350 F for 25-30 minutes



Peppermint Brownies

1 cup white sugar
1 cup canola oil (or butter)
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 Eggs (beaten well before adding)
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt (table salt will work)
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 package(6 oz) of 12 regular size candy canes smashed **it is important to pulverize the candy
canes because any large chunks will melt leaving undesirable holes or voids in the brownies**

Grease 9" x 13" pan
Bake at 350 F for 25 - 30 minutes

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My Christmas Newsletter

For Christmas Sam and I adopted an invisible monkey named Toby. The real trouble with an invisible monkey isn't figuring out where Toby is, but rather where the invisible monkey poop is which smells just as you would imagine it to smell. Bad Toby, bad bad bad. It is hard to know if Sam or I farted or if there is a hot heaping invisible monkey mound in the room. I am going to try to train him to place a flag or something on top of his mess so maybe it will be easier to find then randomly stepping in it. Toilet training didn't go over at all, we just ended up with a wet bathroom floor and wet invisible monkey that both smelled like poop. Toby doesn't make really any noise and doesn't seem to have much to say. We thought we were fortunate that Toby was already trained in sign language, but it wasn't until he arrived that we became aware we couldn't see his signs or which way he is facing to give him signs. At one point we got the bright idea to put gloves on Toby, and after several monkey bites, we wrestled them on only to find we had put them on his feet. Once the gloves were put on Toby's hands we finally knew which way he was facing and eagerly awaited his first viewable communication with us, but it never came. I can't say that Toby never used the gloves because I found them both laying on the ground smelling remarkably like invisible monkey poop, then I found the poop mound with my foot, so it wasn't like he had decided to flag is pile. For the Christmas season we thought we would put a little Santa hat on Toby but it to0 ended up on the floor smelling of monkey poo. We are starting to think that Toby ignores our signs, and the trainers say Toby is only reacting in this negative fashion because we don't answer his signs which Toby thinks is rude. I'm starting to think that stupid monkey was never able to sign, and the adoption place just says that crap to add a little tinsel to the crazy Christmas monkey's nest. So listen don't ask me 'why?', or 'what were you thinking?' because don't think for a second that you wouldn't jump at the chance at having an invisible monkey that speaks sigh language just as we did because you know you would; and you won't ask yourself if you can see the signs from invisible monkey hands, or if the poop is invisible; if someone offers you a free monkey you most likely won't even think about if the thing craps. You'll be thinking 'alright, free monkey'. In fact there is a good chance someone might be getting a free invisible monkey this Christmas, so start checking those packages. Hint the one that smells like poop is the monkey.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dan's Swine Brine


I've decided to share one of my recipes, so here it is Now with pictures in living color. This is a simple recipe starting with a brine. Salt is key to a brine so if you are on a low sodium diet this may not be for you. A.B. you are a true inspiration.

I like to buy a flat of pork chops at Costco.







Sam and I only need a pork chop each, so I use quart size ziploc bags for the pair. (gallon size should be fine for four pork chops)










After placing the pork chops in the bag remove as much air as possible then sealed. After sealing just freeze.

















Remove pork chops from freezer the night before or the morning of intended use.



















I don't normally measure out my ingredients, but I did for this project.
It is a good idea to put the dry ingredients in the bag first.
2 Table Spoons Lawry's seasoned salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 cup dried chopped onion
1 Table Spoon Worcestershire sauce
2 teaspoons Cognac or Whiskey
1 cup white wine (*12oz of beer can be substituted)
1/4 cup water (*if using beer do not add water)
add all ingredients, seal, mix around, then refrigerate. *over 24 hours and the meat will start to get salty so be advised.


At cooking time remove bag from fridge and pork chops from the bag. Place the brined pork chops on 3 paper towels folded in half, and cover with another 3 paper towels. I'm sure a clean kitchen towel will work.















It is important to dry the pork chops well if the intended cooking method is pan frying. Don't worry about any little pieces of onion clinging-on they will cook just fine.

















This is optional...did I say optional I meant mandatory. By some means strain and separate the reconstituted chopped onion and liquid and save for later.
*if you used beer instead of wine do not separate just throw out onions (extremely bitter) and liquid








If you choose to pan fry I suggest using about 4 Tablespoons olive oil ; again I don't usually measure. Allow oil to heat up on medium high















When oil is hot reduce heat to medium and add pork chops and separated chopped onion. Heat pork chops for 10 minutes on each side. Stir onions regularly.
I usually heat the pork chops for 5 minutes then flip, but that's just me.


















I suggest using a spatter guard












At this step you have some choices. After removing the pork chops from the pan the crispy onion bits can be scooped out and used on rice or mashed potatoes, or you can follow this next step.
Add 6 Tablespoons flour and mix well with hot oil. I use a spatula.








Cook mixture until brown, not tan, brown
















Stir in remaining brine liquid and watch the magic happen. If the sauce is too thick add a small amount of water(no more than 1/8 cup) at a time until it is a favorable consistency. It should be fine.







This is what I ended up with.