My Christmas Newsletter

For Christmas Sam and I adopted an invisible monkey named Toby. The real trouble with an invisible monkey isn't figuring out where Toby is, but rather where the invisible monkey poop is which smells just as you would imagine it to smell. Bad Toby, bad bad bad. It is hard to know if Sam or I farted or if there is a hot heaping invisible monkey mound in the room. I am going to try to train him to place a flag or something on top of his mess so maybe it will be easier to find then randomly stepping in it. Toilet training didn't go over at all, we just ended up with a wet bathroom floor and wet invisible monkey that both smelled like poop. Toby doesn't make really any noise and doesn't seem to have much to say. We thought we were fortunate that Toby was already trained in sign language, but it wasn't until he arrived that we became aware we couldn't see his signs or which way he is facing to give him signs. At one point we got the bright idea to put gloves on Toby, and after several monkey bites, we wrestled them on only to find we had put them on his feet. Once the gloves were put on Toby's hands we finally knew which way he was facing and eagerly awaited his first viewable communication with us, but it never came. I can't say that Toby never used the gloves because I found them both laying on the ground smelling remarkably like invisible monkey poop, then I found the poop mound with my foot, so it wasn't like he had decided to flag is pile. For the Christmas season we thought we would put a little Santa hat on Toby but it to0 ended up on the floor smelling of monkey poo. We are starting to think that Toby ignores our signs, and the trainers say Toby is only reacting in this negative fashion because we don't answer his signs which Toby thinks is rude. I'm starting to think that stupid monkey was never able to sign, and the adoption place just says that crap to add a little tinsel to the crazy Christmas monkey's nest. So listen don't ask me 'why?', or 'what were you thinking?' because don't think for a second that you wouldn't jump at the chance at having an invisible monkey that speaks sigh language just as we did because you know you would; and you won't ask yourself if you can see the signs from invisible monkey hands, or if the poop is invisible; if someone offers you a free monkey you most likely won't even think about if the thing craps. You'll be thinking 'alright, free monkey'. In fact there is a good chance someone might be getting a free invisible monkey this Christmas, so start checking those packages. Hint the one that smells like poop is the monkey.